Start this video at 3:20 and watch as Melissa debunks four of porn’s biggest myths or jump straight to 7:14 where she explains how understanding those myths can actually IMPROVE men’s sex lives.  Click here

At this point we often look to our partner to see what is wrong.   We think that they need to do something to make us feel happy.        However when we talk about it, they can feel attacked, or criticised and they move away from us – which makes us more unhappy!

So here’s another way to get back into our “happy space” without the aid of our partner.

1.   Take out a piece of paper and write list of 50 things you like about yourself.    For example:  What do you like about your body/appearance, your cooking, your personality attributes, your skills, what you do in life, what you are good at emotionally, what do people like about you?

Take it on board…  when you are in a good space (and sometimes even when you are not), you are an AWESOME person!

2.   Make a list of what you value about yourself.   For example:  I value that I am loving.   I value security.  I value honesty.   I value that I give great massage.    I value that I have knowledge about….

3.  Then make a list about how you want to feel about life and in particular in your relationship with your partner.    I want to feel respected/loved/appreciated/trusted/passionate/open/free.

Okay, that’s all the lists done.     Does that give you a sense of who you are and how you want to live?  Do you feel a lot better already?

You might ask “how can I marry my values and feelings with my relationship”.     Here’s the answer:

1.   Your values and your feelings are your boundaries.   From this place we can say “yes” or “no” to how we want to be treated, what we commit ourselves to, and how we want to live our lives.

2.   When someone says something that doesn’t match your values, just tell them how it feels (blaming is not allowed, as it makes the other person feel wrong and pushes them away).   Just say:  “I feel sad”, or “ I feel flat”.   For example I was once telling my partner about something I was passionate about.   He said something to the effect that he thought it wouldn’t work.    Instead of arguing or defending myself I just said “I feel deflated”.   Guess what?  He got it.

Another time I was looking for a place to store some furniture.   A friend called and I told him I felt worried about it.  He offered his garage.   I told him “thank you, I feel so relieved”.

Keep remembering what you value and how you want to feel.    When you state it clearly “I want to feel relaxed and right now I feel stressed with so many chores to do” it lets the other person know what you are experiencing.

It’s up to them how they respond (or not respond).   We cannot control other people.   However it helps a lot if they know how we feel AND we don’t blame them.    Most people do want to see us happy, and they only know how we are when we tell them.     It can take time for someone to register your feelings and needs:  and it can take time for them to figure out what to do that would make a difference.   Sit back, relax and watch, give the situation some space.   Things will change.

• At times I was insecure and became clingy which pushed him away
• Sometimes I was just afraid of getting hurt again, but didn’t know how to set boundaries for myself
• I found myself spending more time with him, and not caring for myself or attending to my interests, which meant that I depleted myself
• I found myself wanting to tell him what to do, or wanting to fix him, and again I saw him move away from me
• I would forget how fabulous I was, and compare myself to other women who were fitter/slimmer/more sporty than me.  Then I felt “not good enough” and wondered why he was with me at all!

I could see that my attitudes and behaviour could potentially destroy a good relationship, and I had to change.  So I made two decisions:

1.  I was going to take care of myself by doing my women’s chi kung practice and

2.  I was going to learn new ways to be in a relationship.

The first decision was easy.  I already know how to do the women’s chi kung and just wanted a group of women to do it with on a weekly basis (it’s much more fun that way).  So if this sounds like you, and you want to know what it entails, click here.

The second decision was a bit more of a challenge.  How was I going to learn how to “love on purpose”, and what really works?   Yes, there were a few role models around, but I didn’t think they could articulate how their relationship worked.   I wasn’t into reading any more books.  I needed a clear strategy.

Then a friend of mine told me about a website of a woman teaching about healthy relationships:  How to be “in love on purpose”, to give me more options about how to deal with difficult situations, how to express my feelings without frightening  him off, and how to maintain my own sparkle.  I started reading her blogs and they made sense, so eventually I brought her tutorial CDs.

I have loved listening to them.  Firstly, they are positive and make me feel good.  Even though the CD’s have pointed out my mistakes, the teacher is very gentle and also tells me how to correct them.  At last I can see what I did wrong and she teaches what to do in the future.

I want to share this with women in my community, so I decided that one day a month I would gather women together so that we could listen to selected portions of the CDs as a group.  We can try out the techniques, take notes and discuss the teacher’s ideas.

So…. next Saturday (11^th May) is the day!  Cost is a donation.  If you are interested, or would like more information, click here.  Please book in if you want to come, as there are limited spaces.

1.  Friday night date night:   plan a date together.  This could be as simple as having a takeaway meal with a glass of wine at home.  Make it an event with candles, a tablecloth and music.  Take your time over the meal and share what has been happening for you on a personal level during the week.   A good question to ask is “what are the five best things that happened to you this week?”

2.  Make a ritual of having a cup of tea/coffee together after work where you can share the events of the day with each other.

3.  Have a bath or spa together on a regular basis.  Bring out the candles, scented bubble bath and nibbles.

4.  Give each other a relaxing massage with aromatherapy oils, soft lighting and music.

5.  Go for a walk.  Find a nice beach or scenic place.  Take a picnic for lunch or an evening meal.

6.  Read an interesting book together.  You could cuddle up and take turns reading it out loud.

7.  Get away from the weekend routine at home:   go camping, or tramping or find a weekend retreat away from home.

• Are making decisions
• Organising and planning
• In doing mode
• Active and maybe a bit tense!

The masculine aspect is great when you want to “get up and go” but if you want to get romantic with your partner then its preferable to move into your feminine aspect.    The reason is that when you are in your masculine – there are two men in the house (like best mates) and this does not create attraction between two people.

So…. how to move in to your feminine aspect?

• Play girlie/romantic music on the way home in your car and sing along
• Create a ritual where you take off the trousers/suit, take a shower and get into a dress.  At the same time intend to move back into your femininity
• Play some sexy music and dance
• Slow down and relax, lighten up
• Avoid treating him like your women friends, be aware of his masculinity and appreciate it

Your feminine sparkle is irresistible.

For my feminine sparkle (chi kung) classes and reviving relationships course in term two go to WHATS ON

Intimacy starts with touch, a fresh view of the person we live with (after all they have been growing/changing through the years), curiosity and a willingness to experience something different.   If both people are willing, it can be a wonderful adventure.

Some people are afraid of going to sensual massage classes, but a non-sensual beginner’s massage class can be quite doable.   There is no nudity and massage stays with the “safe” areas of the body.    The journey of going into one’s own body, re-discovering ecstasy through touch and pleasure begins with some basic massage strokes and a bit of ingenuity.

The difference between relaxation massage and sensual massage is largely in the intention that both people hold.    For example the same slow long strokes used in relaxation massage can also be used in sensual massage, the difference is whether you agree to allow the sexual energy to be present or
not.   So once you have learnt basic massage techniques, you can adapt them to use in the privacy of your own home – and add in candlelight, music, scented oils and the agreement for sensuality to be
present.

Learning massage is mechanical at first.    Students often feel awkward and uncomfortable.  This “stage” soon passes with practice and making the massage sessions fun.     You can do this by using music that is up-beat, or dressing up or just being open that you have to go back to the notes to see what to do next.     Don’t try too hard, just have fun and practice!  At the end of each session check your notes and decide what you could do better next time.

Here’s a pointer for men.    Women love the pleasure of touch – they do not always want to have sex afterwards (even if they appear to be purring during the massage).     Purring may just be a way the recipient is showing you their pleasure.   It may not mean they give you permission to go any further.   If you take it further your partner may become resentful – they may think you had an ulterior motive and feel manipulated.     Before you start the massage find out what each other’s intentions are and stick to what you agree.     Respect their expression of pleasure and honour the boundaries you have made with them.

To learn massage click here.