“Until she was lubricated, the woman had focused her mind on his and her genitals and the mechanics of penetration. But once she is lubricated and he begins the routine of thrusting, her mind drifts back to her sister. Her attention returns to the present only when he makes an uncomfortable movement. Despite her abstractedness, years of practice allow her to time her quiet noises in her throat to the man’s thrusts. Then suddenly, her mind jumps back to Wednesday night and the man who had flirted with her when she was out with a group of her female friends. Now, in her mind, it is him on top of her. Her heart speeds up. Her breathing quickens, her noises get louder. But just as her fantasy begins to take shape and she feels she might even come, her partner makes a particularly awkward thrust. Her fantasy disappears. The moment was gone, and the next second she realises he is ejaculating. She makes a sound for each of his contractions, then relaxes with him as his penis shrinks inside her. Impatient for him to remove his now dead weight, she coughs, gently. His limp appendage is ejected, he moves off her and they slip into their usual post-coital embrace. Both feel guilty at not having made more effort for their partner’s sake and both feel depressed. Briefly, they exchange untruths over how pleasurable everything has been before eventually drifting into post-coital sleep.” This comes from the book “Sperm Wars” by Robin Baker, p. 7/8. I could have written it myself but Robin writes this so well.
If this is familiar to you then good news is at hand! Sexuality New Zealand aims to help people connect and keep re-connecting with each other, to stimulate you into becoming more aware of your sex life and how to bring it back to life. It can always be a beautiful exchange between two people: sensual, fun, exciting, different every time and totally satisfying.
Our knowledge about sex only extends as far as the books we have read, how much we have experimented sexually, what we have seen on movies and the television, and ultimately how interested we are in learning more about sex. Our repertoire of information can be very limited.
So let’s look at this couple again…
• As I said in part 2, one of the problems here is that she is not properly lubricated. Lack of lubrication means pain, not being relaxed and no enjoyment. Generally it takes most women at least 20 minutes of foreplay to be ready for sex, especially if there has been no foreplay before getting into bed. She needs attention on her mouth, face, neck, breasts, nipples, belly and legs before going to her genitals. You could have great fun warming her up this way without going to the genitals – it is such a tease. And if you enjoy it, it can be a big turn on for you too. The more time you spend in foreplay the bigger the buzz when you have intercourse.
• Another problem here is the woman is not fully present with her partner. A skilled man needs to be present enough to know when she is with him or when she is bored. It’s a bit like hunting – you have to follow the animal and get to know their habits before you can plan how to capture it. (More about hunting in the next article). This means putting your needs for ejaculation to one side and being focused on what is going to get her interested in you? The way you handle her body with kisses, surprises, licks, hugs, and caresses brings her into a place of interest. Now she is involved in the interaction.
• Whenever a lover wanders off, you need to change tactics and find another way to get her attention back. It’s an exciting adventure.
• Whilst men and women can take turns being the leader in love making, when it comes to orgasm it often means a man has to keep in touch with the timing of his own orgasm and where she is in her own sexual arousal. It’s incredibly disappointing when a man comes and goes to sleep, leaving his woman high and dry. Of course this can occur the other way too and we must all take care that each other is satisfied with sex. Repeated experiences of unsatisfying sex will eventually result in the body shutting down, resentment building up and the avoidance of sex.
• Guilt and lies are building up. This is a vicious circle, the more we feel guilty the more we lie. The more we lie the worse we feel and the harder it is to connect with our partner. Our self esteem drops and we feel unworthy to be loved. Sometimes we can become angry at the partner because we think “they” make us feel bad, however we are really just projecting our guilt onto them through blame. The good news is this can be shifted. We can learn new communication skills like Non Violent Communication, visit a counsellor or read about healthy communication. Where there is honesty there can be openness, trust and connection and your relationship is revitalised. There are now also training courses that can help us to know, express and get everything we might want.