“He begins by gently kissing her face and stroking her breasts. Then they kiss deeply. He strokes her legs to her knees. After a while, he moves down and sucks her nipples. All this time, she cursorily strokes his back and buttocks. Tonight, as is often the case, she cannot concentrate and her mind keeps slipping back to conversations with her sister earlier in the day. She is jolted back to the present when he places his hand between her legs, moves her longest pubic hairs, opens her lips and inserts a finger to check if she is wet. He thinks she is ready. She knows she is not and winces at the prospect of unlubricated penetration. She moves her hand, finds his penis and gently squeezes, in part to see how ready he is, but primarily to delay his moving into position. Briefly, her ploy works. He pauses to savour the sensation and responds with half-hearted massage of her genitals. Even though his massage misses her clitoris by a centimetre, he detects (or imagines) an increase in wetness on his finger inside her vagina. He moves his hand and begins to shift his body into the missionary position. She keeps her hand on his penis, and when the moment comes helps to guide its swollen tip into position. She leaves her hand between them for a few seconds to stop him pushing too hard, too soon (she is still nowhere near moist enough). Then, she has no alternative but to abandon the act to him. It takes a while before his gentle working backwards and forward make her lubricants really start to flow and his penis is able to enter fully.” ‘Sperm Wars’ by Robin Baker, pages 7 and 8.
Many people in long term relationship experience this type of situation. Its no wonder people stop making love.
What is happening here?
- Again neither of them is really interested in the other
- There is no admiration or appreciation of the other, and no effort made to really pleasure each other
- They are looking for a release rather than creating love and passion together
- Sex has become bland, ordinary – rather than a wonderful adventure
- Its no wonder she is looking somewhere else
- The story is coming from the woman’s point of view. I wonder what he is thinking/feeling?
Very often when sex is painful or unfulfilling it leaves a feeling of emptiness and guilt. It starts to damage us emotionally. We push each other away. The sex drive begins to diminish and resentment builds up.
When it is pleasurable and both parties are deeply involved in the act it becomes expanding and satisfying. The pleasure may last for days afterwards.
What would help this couple would be for them to learn…
- Ways to connect more intimately
- How to have foreplay out of the bedroom
- How to feel sexy within themselves
- It would be helpful for them both to know the stages of arousal, what are the signs and how to stimulate it
- He could learn more about her clitoris and what works for her – for many women this is the only way they can have an orgasm
- She could learn more about his erogenous zones and how to pleasure them
- They could have made a “night” of their loving – candles, music, sensual massage
Watch this space for part 3 of this blog.