My friend Sue told me this story. She had been out of a relationship for a year and was now dating a new man. She felt physically attracted to him and also was enjoying a new “lease on life”, with a rush of sexual energy opening up in her due to being in a happier space. She felt so sexual that her release was to privately pleasure herself to orgasm with the help of fantasy. They had been lovers a couple of times but she was having trouble moving into orgasm with him. This is quite common as it can take a while for a woman to relax enough to allow herself to open up to a man. It also takes time for a man to learn how to stimulate her in a way that she is able to come into full arousal. After the second time he suggested that they both masturbate together. Sue said the minute he suggested this she closed down. She admitted that she might have an issue with sharing this private experience with another person. But there was something more. To Sue, sex with another person is about connection and sharing an experience together.
- Sue knew that if she were to masturbate she would resort to her habit using fantasy to bring about orgasm. It’s not to say she couldn’t change this, but habits die hard. If she was fantasizing then she wasn’t really with her man, she was somewhere else – in her dreamworld so to speak. For her this meant no connection and she may as well be masturbating on her own. Of course this may not be the mans perspective at all. She was just expressing her point of view.
Sharing an experience together
- Sue observed that when she was touching her man if she paid attention she could actually feel changes in his body when he was receiving pleasure. For example, he would get hotter, or breathe differently, or well need I say more? This pleasure flowed into her body and added to her own pleasure. Sue very much wanted her man to feel her particular changes as well and to experience her pleasure in a similar fashion. Of course this is just not possible if they are not touching each other.
- So she explored further – why was she not able to orgasm with her man when she could on her own? She realised that her habit of being in fantasy was taking her away from reality with her man. She was not used to another person’s touch. She decided to stop masturbating for a while to allow herself to get out of the habit of allowing fantasy to stimulate her, and become more open to her man’s touch. She hoped that this would help her be in the present with her man and his touch, and to be more aware of her own body.
Yes, fantasy does have its place
- It can help a person to open up to their sexual feelings. But it is NOT REAL. Fantasy isn’t unpredictable, it doesn’t connect two people unless they are both sharing the same fantasy. You don’t experience on a physical level what is really going on in the other person’s body. Its amazing when you can actually feel whats going on in their body. Then your touch and attention brings your lover to another space, this is the REAL THING. Fantasy deprives you both of this experience.
Making love isn’t about “me”, it’s about “us”. If it’s about “me” and “my thrill”, then the person who is thrilling you feels used. What makes it “us” is the connection. It is about focusing on what you can give to the other person and really enjoying their response – to the point that it might excite or thrill you more. This kind of love making will bring your partner back for more and will deepen your experience too.
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